All Quiet on the Western Front
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LOOKS LIKE I PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO QUIT DRINKING
The long Labor Day weekend always lends itself to extra reflection on what is typically the first game of the season. Controversial endings—and debating that controversy—grab viewership, and in this day and age, that’s what matters most. So your algorithm is probably humming away right now, somewhere between “Michigan Cheats” and “Look at this redeeming clock replay sent over from the Big Ten office.”
The game ended, then it ended again, those two endings diametrically opposed. If Michigan was on the other side of this, I’d like to say I’d be screaming from the mountaintops. But the product probably wouldn’t have warranted it.
Extra second aside, Michigan was abysmal on Saturday. And while most of that opinion comes from the assumption that the opponent was MAC garbage, there were so many things that went wrong independent of the other team on the field that you wouldn’t have called that a gutty win if it had happened against Ohio.
Lucky. That’s what it was.
It was one of those common Sparty-over-Michigan-style victories. Run off the field for all but the opening drive and saved by a sloppy miracle. Dominated at the line of scrimmage. Lack of identity. Unforced errors. An early-season punch in the gut to the Michigan faithful who had belief in the hype machine and the one-liners, and belief in a coaching staff that was supposed to be the “adults in the room”—the ones who replaced a regime rife with side pieces and halftime booty-call DMs.
Though he was just one of many issues on Saturday, the lightning rod of it all is the quarterback. It’s difficult for me to give up on Bryce Underwood and what I have always viewed as the limitless ceiling of his talent. We’ve just seen none of it.
Improvement is important, of course, and given the investment (and the previous absent-minded staff), some patience was warranted. I’m just not sure whose will run out first: the staff’s or mine. Because I am damn close…and I know for many of you, it ran dry many, many games ago.
Tommy Carr looms, looking to replace a nearly unanimously voted-by-the-team captain who is first at practice and last to leave, and who cashed his second $2.5 million check that we wrote. What that might mean for the locker room—and the next few years of Michigan football—is a difficult question to answer. But at some point, the possibility of future negatives is overrun by unachievable goals and diminishing returns.
Bryce exudes confidence when the clock isn’t moving. But the bad taste left in my mouth as Bryce strutted and skipped around with an “I did it, I told you I’d do it” expression after he was bailed out by Buchanon all day…rough.
Joel Klatt, probably as Michigan-homer as it gets for a national pundit, took painstaking detail in not just picking apart his performance between the first drive and the Hail Mary, but also the first drive itself. It’s eye-opening.
I’ve got no idea what happens next. Benching Bryce is serious shit on a lot of levels. And based on the rest of the team’s play, I’m not certain it would matter this week against Oklahoma.
To be discussing salvaging a season after the first game—and a win in the first game at that—is disheartening, to say the least. But maybe, just maybe, they’ll surprise us.
Because no matter how much you think you know about what a group of 18-to-22-year-old kids will do when the chips are down, just remember that you just watched Michigan rush the field after a victory over a MAC school.
The 2026 UMTailgate Themes
/Year two in the Tailgate House. Year one of Whit. LFG.
9/5 – Western Michigan – 7:30 PM – The Natty
Nothing like a nighttime kickoff to kick off four straight home games in September.
We'll start by celebrating the other Michigan team that has won a national championship: Michigan Basketball. Did you know that Michigan has won a national championship in both football and basketball more recently than Michigan State has made a bowl game in football? Funny because it's true.
We'll celebrate the road to the Final Four with signature dishes from Chicago, Buffalo, and Indianapolis before 7:30 p.m. rolls around and we forget basketball exists until after the New Year.
9/12 – Oklahoma – Noon – Frank's Diner
The game that will mean too much either way comes early this year. A win, and we're on the path to greatness. A loss, and Whit doesn't understand Michigan culture, and the Ann Arbor torch-and-pitchfork crowd will begin the RichRod-like proceedings.
WHY IS THIS GAME AT NOON?!?!
Forced into breakfast mode, the theme will be an homage to my favorite little downtown Ann Arbor diner, aptly named Frank's.
9/19 – UTEP – 3:30 PM – The Old El Paso
I wish they were all 3:30 kicks.
We're bringing your '80s mom's hard-shell taco vibes with an all-day run of Mexican food... minus the Taylor Farms lettuce.
9/26 – Iowa – TBD – The Oktoberfest
Ferentz and the corn people come to town with their historically embarrassing offense, pretending we have a rivalry while offering up the last of the corn harvest.
Think waving at the hospital is heartwarming? Just wait until the third quarter in the Big House, when they cut the music during the critical part of our anthem about a cuck watching his girl with another dude. Won't be a dry eye in the place.
EYEROLL.
Timing-wise, the end of September is Oktoberfest season, so we'll dust off the boots, eat some brats, and make Godfather wear lederhosen.
10/3 – at Minnesota – TBD
10/10 – BYE
10/17 – Penn State – TBD – The Bear
We did this one four years ago to great success, and now we've got four more TV seasons of food to pull from.
Kickoff-time permitting, we'll have Chicago Italian beef, Syd's short ribs, and Family Meal spaghetti before taking the field against the other new coach who is seemingly under no pressure whatsoever compared to ours.
10/24 – Indiana – TBD – The Rome
The reigning national champs come to town with their Italian (is he?) coach, so we're going Italian for the day and reminding this mid-tier program who they are.
10/31 – at Rutgers – TBD
11/7 – Michigan State – TBD – The White Trash
We want them to feel welcome, right?
The theme fits the opponent.
Smirnoff Ices, Rochester Garbage Plates, and a Pat Fitzgerald Car Wash to walk through.
11/14 – at Oregon – TBD
11/21 – UCLA – TBD – The Coté
Home finale.
Our traditional steak-and-lobster tailgate with a touch of Korean BBQ.
