Get Grandpa Joe Some Pepto: The Penn State Preview

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​Yes, it's been a light posting week. It seems that Captain Funnypants and his Navarre-esque posting consistency took the week off. It's tough to be mad at him...cocaine's a hell of a drug.

We pack up the family truckster and head to Beaver Stadium this week. Beaver Stadium is in Happy Valley, which completes the most blatant piece of sexual innuendo since construction workers selected I-75's Exit 69 to be Big Beaver Road. Well, maybe not themost blatant. It's been a tough week, coming off of the long Saturday tailgate and game, and trying to convince yourself that Mario Manningham is a product of offensive scheme and not a shitload of speed, a devastating first move, and perfect route running. Maybe you, like Sports Illustrated, think that Mario is the team, and without him the sky is falling. Then you woke up Thursday morning, and the sky was actually falling.

"The expectation is for the position, not the player," Lloyd will most certainly say. But I can't imagine you expected that position to net 527 yards and nine touchdowns. Nine touchdowns on 24 receptions. That's the type of stuff that will get you stalked by a 23 year old. Speaking of which, how do I get Lloyd's email address?

Anyway, back to Penn State...

The School: 

  • Founded 1855

  • Enrollment 41,289

  • Motto: "Making Life Better"
The Records:
  • Michigan is 8-3 all-time against Penn State, including the last seven straight.

  • Michigan is 4-1 all-time in Beaver Stadium
The Numbers:
  • Michigan leads the nation is rushing defense and time of possession

  • Mike Hart is the nation's 6th leading rusher

  • Penn State's kicker, Kevin Kelly, is 2nd in the nation in field goals per game
Watch Out For:
  • Tony Hunt, the nation's 11th leading rusher

  • Paul Posluszny: linebacker who will be looking to add to his 50 tackles on the season
Fun Facts: 
  • Brent Musburger is doing this game

  • This will be the first and only time Chad Henne will play in Beaver Stadium

  • The Detroit Tigers are two wins away from the World Series

  • Wisconsin's band is on the hot seat following their trip to Ann Arbor

  • Stop eating spray cheese

Case of the Mundy's: Is Everyone Alright? Edition 10/9/06

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​Coming off quite possibly the greatest day in Michigan/Detroit sports since Woodson won the Heisman and Michigan upset Duke back in '97, it took mere moments...and a shady Lloyd presser...to sober you up quickly heading in to Penn State. Mike Hart and Mario Manningham, who by my gorilla math make up about 95% of the Michigan offense, were injured during the scrimmage against Michigan Agricultural College on Saturday. While Hart says he is good to go, Manningham has been shipped to Siberia, and will be unable to discuss his injury (or lack thereof) until Lloyd thinks it's time. Manningham, who provided the miracle finish against Penn State last season in the Big House, will apparently be inactive for this year's contest against the Nittany Lions. He injured his knee in the 3rd quarter and was seen icing it on the bench in the 4th quarter. MGoBlog has received reports from some students that have seen him on crutches on campus. Could be more than just a week...but unless it's six weeks, Mario will be back in time for OSU. I hope am sure Adrian Arrington can fill the role until Mario's return...though it would be nice to have him for Iowa, our last meaningful game until the trip to Columbus.

In a move that will once again test our tailgating endurance, the University, in association with ABC sports, has set a kickoff time of 3:30pm for the Iowa game, extending our planned Italian theme to a 7.5 hour trattoria

 marathon.

News from the weekend around the Google-owned web...

  • "Smackdown" is so appropriate. If only planting a flag in your own home was appropriate. [GreenandWhite.com]

  • The Angel's recap, which I assume is only accidentally in all bold font. [DetroitNews]

  • The Godfather will no doubt send all of his mail with these. [Stamps.com]

  • Nearly a week old, but national recognition of the Spartan's demise is too good to not link. [SI.com]

  • This could be the end of the crowd in the background at Gameday. [EDSBS.com]

  • Nuclear secrets would be safest with Lloyd. [ESPN.com]

  • Life tip of the week for you impatient bastards out there. [Lifehacker.com]

  • Hart is OK...seriously. [Freep]
Injury Report:
  • Antonio Bass: out indefinitely

  • Mike Kolodziej: rumor mill finally comes through...Kolodziej has a heart condition and could not be cleared by Michigan's legal department early this season...out for season/career.

  • Tyler Ecker: sprained ankle against Minnesota, questionable for PSU

  • Mario Manningham: knee; out for PSU

Captain Michigan Scores More Than Michigan State

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​The preseason Heisman candidate and his band of preseason Big Ten Champion darkhorses came into Ann Arbor on Saturday. They were bruised, battered, and coming off two of the most embarrassing back-to-back losses in their history. They had absolutely nothing to lose, and could begin to salvage a disastrous season by handing their "rival" their first loss. Winning fixes everything. Unfortunately for the Spartan faithful, the Green and White seem to only know how to disappoint. 

Unlike the past two years, it wouldn't take overtime. The loudest cheers came during announcements of the score from the  Detroit Tigers dismantling of the Yankee dynasty just 35 miles away in Comerica Park, and it was the only cheering the Michigan State faithful would feel compelled to participate in. In fact, this game was less in question by the end of the first half than Michigan's games against Vanderbilt and Central Michigan. Michigan dominated, broadcasting their weekly edition of "Establishing the Run", racking up 211 yards on 5 yards per carry. 122 yards of the ground attack came from Mike Hart, 51 from Kevin Grady, and 39 from true frosh Brandon Minor, who broke a 40-yard TD run to seal the game late in the 3rd quarter. Henne-to-Arrington showed up again with a spectacular leaping grab of 13 yards for the first touchdown of the game. Henne-to-Manningham, now a household name, came through again with 2 touchdowns of 41 and 27 yards. A late 2-yard touchdown by a scrambling Stanton somehow warranted his own personal celebration, but it would not be enough in his final chance to beat the Maize and Blue. Michigan wins 31-13...and it has never been less exciting. On it's way to being only termed a rivalry because of geography, Michigan-Michigan St. not only didn't warrant a Maize Out, it barely deserved your attention.

So we quickly move on to next week. Michigan has earned themselves half of a perfect season, the first since 1997, and that means that things are starting to get serious in Ann Arbor. They have two solid contests in the next two weeks before three weeks of patsies on the road to Columbus. First is what many are calling a "trap game" under the lights in Beaver Stadium, where the visiting Wolverines will come in ranked #4 for the first time since...you guessed it...1997.

The tailgate was completely ridiculous, full of first-timers, and overrun with a level of drunkenness and debauchery not previously observed. Exhaustion even had me down for the count. Perhaps the masses were not quite prepared for the longest home tailgate in UMTailgate.com history, as many stumbled in late to the battle for the Paul Bunyan trophy, and some didn't make it at all. But in the end, it didn't matter. Get drunk, pass out...forget about it...with Michigan State, you can relax.

Slaphappy Staff Predictions for Michigan Agricultural College

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​The Hammer:

This week has proven to be the toughest for me by far. This is vintage Michigan State, acting the fool just to make a possible upset bid all the more disgraceful to our school. Typical MSU, NOT typical Michigan. This is game one of the long road to the promise land my friends. Matt Trannon might have more completed passes than Drew Stanton this week. I'll give them 10 just because...but that's being generous. The only motivation Michigan ever needs should be proving that "last week" was no fluke. Validating each win with another win. Catch my drift?! Getting better every week. We go into week 6 needing to validate our 5-0 record and we'll go into week 7 needing to validate 6-0.

Michigan 31
East Lansing 10
(wait till you see the enthusiasm of their fans when they take a 7-0 lead, only to get three the rest of the way)

DMVP - Shawn Crable
OMVP - Mike Hart

Johnny Cleveland not available (drunk) at press time.

XBox Says:

Michigan 28
Michigan State 13

The Webmaster:

I'm with the Hammer in that this has got "bullshit call gives Sparty victory" or "broken play gives Sparty victory" written all over it. So we cannot afford to keep them in our rear view mirror. They must be buried. And after Lamarr removes torso from legs, you can get your shovels out. Michigan will win, cover, and unfortunately end the Michigan State career of John L. Smith. We will miss you John L...you crazy bastard.

Michigan 27
Michigan State 6

It's Time to Hate Your Neighbor: The Michigan State Preview

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I can't remember it ever being this quiet. Not ever. Michigan State can be grateful to the Detroit Tigers from taking the focus off of them this week. It has reached a point where I am not sure how to make fun of them anymore. It's really no longer funny. It is truly tragic.

Why hate State? I can think of a million reasons. But let's just start with how they've disgraced themselves and their University this season:

  • Started Stanton for Heisman campaign

  • Blew 17-point 4th quarter lead to Notre Dame. Highlights included a kick returner taking a knee at the 12-yard line.

  • Started "Guard Duty" on the 'S' on the 50-yard line. A move designed to thwart attacks from opposing teams trying to perform the "flag plant" that Michigan State innovated last season at Notre Dame.

  • Fell to the Fighting Illini on a last second field goal 23-20. Illinois was 26-point underdogs, and hadn't won a Big Ten game since 2004.

  • Started a post game melee with Illinois via the aforementioned "Guard Duty," bringing all the class of Florida State-Miami to East Lansing.

  • Coach John L. Smith praised the post game fight, and basically called for flag planting to be instated as spoils of victory. Then he slapped himself in the face. You can't make this shit up.

For me it's a lifetime of green-and-white-wearing idiots and their unbelievable flip-flopping superiority-to-inferiority complexes. It's their gorilla math and reasoning that made them think they were better than us because they were able to beat Notre Dame more often than us the past few seasons. It's their immediate default to "basketball season" after the Michigan game. And when things are going really bad (like this year) they get condescending. No doubt you are going to hear some version of "You guys are going to kill us this year" or "I hope you guys kill us so we can get rid of John L" or "Midnight madness is right around the corner." But don't be swayed, Sparty still feels pain on Michigan-Michigan State Saturday. This year will just send them deeper into the abyss of misery.

The College:

  • Enrollment: 45,166

  • Mascot: Sparty

  • Famous for pioneering degrees in packaging and music therapy.

Famous Alumni:

The Numbers:

  • Michigan is 65-28-5 all-time against Michigan State, including 8-2 in the last 10, winning the last four in a row

  • Michigan State boasts the nation's 9th ranked rushing offense

  • Chad Henne needs only 228 yards to move into 2nd place all-time in passing yardage at Michigan.

  • This will be the 99th meeting between Michigan and Michigan State

Who to watch:

  • Drew Stanton, QB
    • You might want to get there early to see this guy. He's got a cannon, and he can take off running at any time... but look for Lamarr to finish separating the meat clinging to his ribs sometime in the first quarter. Is Dowdell available?

More Reasons to hate Sparty:

  • Their giant, horribly designed, grotesquely separated campus

  • Johnny Spirit

  • 2001

  • The angry and elf-like Tom Izzo

  • Their ambiguously gay mascot

Fun Facts